Star Warped

The Delectable Carnasaur

 Nuke and Kicka-ass hit the ground rolling. Over and over they tumbled,
 rolling headfirst off the clay dirt embankment down into a ditch full of
 rancid water.
 "Damn you," spluttered Nuke. He spit out a water dung beetle and made a
 fist at Kicka-ass. "What in the hell didja do that for?"
 "You mean heading the Boobyprize into the Doorway? Oh, that was good!
 That was good! I thought it brilliant strategy on my part. Didn't you?"
 "No, Ah mean for pushing my head into the ditch when we landed! Ah
 oughta brain ya right now!"
 "Yee-Haa! I love this life," chuckled Kicka-ass. "Why do you think they
 call me 'Trickster' here, anyway?"
 "Where is here?" Nuke scraped a leech off his lip and grumbled.
 "We're finally back in the World of Tears, my home," he sniffled
 unconvincingly, "my beautiful home!"
 "Yeah right," grumbled Nuke. "How are we ever going to find
 Chokie-Wand? And what was that Red-Dork thing that whisked him away?"
 Nuke looked at Kicka-ass menacingly, a brave move for the youngster.
 "You seem to know him. What gives?"
 Before Kicka-ass could answer a low rumble interrupted him. They
 stopped and listened as a throbbing noise started to get closer and
 closer. The ground itself seemed to be thumping slowly. It was becoming
 obvious that something huge was coming their way.
 Kicka-ass put his ear to the ground, and held up his hand, as if to ask
 Nuke for silence.
 "It's getting closer."
 "What's getting closer?"
 "Shush! I can't hear!"
 The ground continued to quiver, and the thumping guts rendering noise
 got louder and louder. Nuke peeked over the mound of clay dirt in front
 of him at the low standing trees where the thumping originated.
 Kicka-ass crawled over to Nuke and silently farted. The smell was deadly
 but neither dared to move, no matter the uncomfortable smell of their
 Soon, the trees began to shiver in front of them. Something was coming,
 and coming right for them. A weird, hideously melodious sound reached
 them, simple, yet very frightening. The sound was definitely coming from
 the creature plowing through the trees in their direction. The hideous
 sound became clearer, and a mediocre sized dinosaur shaped creature
 pushed through the few remaining trees into the clearing in front of
 Nuke was too scared to move or talk. The monster could be seen clearly
 now. All of fifteen feet in height, the carnasaur stood squarely on its
 hind legs and sniffed the air tastily in front of it. The monster was
 huge, but sort of dumpy looking, with no defined musculature or sexual
 organs. Nuke almost covered his eyes as the sun came out and spotlighted
 the purple dino.
 "It's the oddest shade of purple with a green breast," whispered Nuke.
 "I hope it can't see us over here."
 "We're in real trouble now, Nuke." Kicka-ass was definitely shook up
 and looked like he was getting ready to run for it.
 "Do you know what it is?"
 "Unfortunately, yes."
 "Well, what is it?"
 "It's a rare breed of creature, I thought that they were all extinct.
 All of them were put to death centuries ago. It's a Barneysaurus!"
 Nuke almost screamed himself. Not a Barney! Whatta way to go, he
 thought cynically.
 The Barneysaurus heard them and galumph-galumphed over to the ditch.
 Nuke and Kicka-ass covered their ears and hid their faces in the dirt,
 but to no avail. The Barneysaurus had seen them as well.
 The purple carnasaur skipped merrily on its fat legs around the ditch
 where the two heroes lay, until it fell over heavily. It got back up,
 having narrowly missed the two. They watched it in horror, as it peeled
 back its thick lips into a nasty caricature of a grin.
 "Happy, happy, joy, joy," it said.
 Neither Nuke nor Kicka-ass dared move and bring on the full ire of the
 "Happy, HAPPY, joy, JOY," it snorted louder.
 Nuke started to get up, but Kicka-ass held him back.
 "Can't we at least try and talk to it," Nuke whined in despair.
 "It's just toying with us now," said Kicka-ass seriously. "We'll have
 to wait and catch it unawares if we want to get out of this alive."
 "Are you CHILDREN?" the Barneysaurus asked merrily. "I've been waiting
 for children. Are you Children? Barneyboy need children to play with."
 "No, you, idiot!" exclaimed Kicka-ass quickly. "We're not children at
 all. I'm a fully-grown man. Can't you see the beard stubble here?"
 Kicka-ass rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
 "Children. Kids. Barneyboy need kids. Play with Barneyboy, children.
 Play with your new buddy," the Barneysaurus implored pitifully. He
 looked away from Kicka-ass who was making ugly sneers at him, and
 focused on Nuke.
 "You a kid," decided the Barneysaurus. He looked at Nuke's chin. "You
 got no beard. You not got much chin. You a kid! Happy, happy, JOY, JOY!"
 it roared. The Barneysaurus reached into its pocket and pulled out a
 Frisbee in one hand and a dollbaby in the other. It skipped and hopped
 dangerously close to Nuke.
 "You got a pretty flashlight, little boy. Me wants to play with it.
 Trade you for baby?" It held out one of its dollbabies. The Barneysaurus
 was now within easy grabbing range of Nuke so the moment of truth was
 near at hand.
 "I'll just sit over here and watch you kids play," said a grinning
 Kicka-ass. Nuke gave him a look that would have melted frozen ammonia
 off the surface of a gas giant.
 "Thanks a lot," said Nuke.
 "Want flashlight," said the Barneysaurus excitedly as it edged a little
 closer to Nuke. "Me hungry too."
 "Okay," said Nuke before the monster could make a grab at him. He threw
 the Bud-litesabre over in the ditch away from him. The Barneysaurus
 jumped after it and threw the babydoll down at Nuke.
 "I love you," it said happily. It licked its lips and looked hungrily
 at Nuke. Barneyboy got a strange glazed look in his eye and started to
 hop back over to Nuke.
 "I love you, and you love me," it said hungrily, "We're all a great big
 "Hold it right there, you stupid child molester!" Nuke looked at the
 Barneysaurus with confidence. "Don't you want to know how to play with
 "Yes," said the Barneysaurus. "Tell how to make it flash, or Barneyboy
 eat you up right now," threatened the dumpy sauropod.
 "Okay, okay, we wouldn't want you to do that. Hold it up to your head.
 Great. See the hole on the end. No, don't stick your finger, er Ah, claw
 in there, it might hurt you. Now hold the end with the hole up to your
 eye, so that you can see the flash better."
 "This good?" The purple creature held it up to his eye.
 "Perfect. Now just push in the knob on the side there..."
 The Barneysaurus's brain and skull vaporized as the Bud-litesabre
 ignited in a flash. Bloody mist filled the air, but the child-eating
 monster was dead.
 Kicka-ass clapped and whistled.
 "Fine job Nuke, there's hope for you yet. A fine bit of trickery, if I
 say so. You're after my own heart. One question though, why didn't you
 just use it on him to begin with?
 "That's a stupid question."
 "Really? Got no answer, huh, boy. Oh well. By the way, Barneyboy was on
 to something. I'm getting hungry too. Fetch that litesabre and cut us
 some purple Barneyboy steaks!  Yum!"

 Several hours later, just at nightfall, Kicka-ass built a large
 comfortable fire in a clearing next to the woods, overlooking a broad
 plain that stretched for miles in the distance. Kicka-ass claimed that
 they would have to be careful not to be noticed.
 Kicka-ass spitted the Barneysaurus steaks on a thick stick until they
 were sizzling over the roasting fire. Nuke settled down to the cozy
 campfire, while Kicka-ass slow roasted the thick pieces of meat.
 "I sure could use something to drink, Nuke. Why don't you head back
 down to the creek and bring up some water?"
 "Ah don't know about that. Ah might see another Barneysaurus. Ah got a
 better idea anyway." Nuke held out his hand in front of his chest.
 "Ghosty. GHOSTY!"
 A little silver wheel spun around and then off Nuke's finger.
 "Whatcha want, man?" The little ring grew bigger as it spoke.
 "You know, me and Kicka-ass haven't had a drop to drink all day. Why
 don't you fetch us something to go along with this meal? Okay?"
 "Be right back, boss, said GhostyWheel. "By the way, don't forget you
 owe me."
 "Never will, Ah'm sure, as long as you keep reminding me."
 GhostyWheel spun faster and faster until, in a sparkle of twinkling
 atoms, he was gone.
 Just as the steaks were done GhostyWheel returned with a decanter of
 Romulan ale, and two glasses.
 "Thanks, Ghosty. Couldn't you have brought us a couple of plates and
 forks while you were at it?"
 "Next time, ask. I'm going back to sleep, man." With that GhostyWheel
 spun through the air and clipped himself on Nuke's left earlobe.
 "Oww, shit! That hurts!" Nuke rubbed at his ear, but Ghosty stayed put
 and wouldn't come off.
 "Trendy," said Kicka-ass. "Anyway, if you're done fooling around, pour
 some ale and let's eat."
 Nuke looked at the Barneysaurus steaks. When he'd chopped off the
 steaks from the haunch of the poor creature, the meat had been the same
 color as the purple hide of the beast. But now after cooking, the steaks
 were the prettiest shade of orange that Nuke could ever remember seeing.
 "The meat looks funny," said Nuke pointedly. "Do you think it's okay to
 eat it?"
 "Look, Nuke," said Kicka-ass, as if he didn't care at all whether or
 not Nuke ate the steaks, "I don't care at all whether you eat the steaks
 or not. I'm hungry, and on the World of Tears, you gotta eat when you
 can." He held one a little closer to Nuke, and said with a grin, "Don't
 they smell good?" They did. They smelled like fried Italian sausages.
 Nuke gave in to his animal urges and grabbed the steak from Kicka-ass.
 Soon, both were hungrily gobbling down huge chunks of the orange
 delight. After a couple of large steaks, Kicka-ass sat back with his ale
 and patted his belly.
 "I sure feel better now. How about you?"
 Nuke finished up his third steak and was licking his fingers to get
 every molecule of the greasy feast off. He looked over to Kicka-ass with
 a grin and replied, "How about me what?"
 Kicka-ass snorted and grinned himself. "How do you feel after eating,
 Nuke started to chuckle. "Ah don't know. Ah feel a little funny, hee,
 hee, hiccup. Do you feel strange? Sorta happy like and you wanta laugh
 at something?" Nuke stood up like he had something to do, and the glass
 of ale spilled right on his crotch.
 "Not again," he whined. He looked stupidly over to Kicka-ass, who
 immediately broke up in laughter. Nuke couldn't help it himself, and he
 too started to chuckle.
 In a matter of moments both men were giggling idiots. Kicka-ass pointed
 at Nuke's crotch and screamed in laughter, hitting his sides. Nuke also
 pointed at his own crotch and started to dance around and laugh.
 Kicka-ass fell over the fire, which sent Nuke into hysterics. Kicka-ass
 managed to keep from catching completely on fire when Nuke hastily
 poured the rest of the ale over his head. Both men cried tears of
 laughter. Nuke started to beat the ground when he couldn't catch his
 Kicka-ass couldn't manage to get control of himself, and then by
 crawling over to Nuke on his hands and knees, tried to get his
 "Somethin musta been wrong with the meat," he blurted out.  Red-faced,
 Kicka-ass continued to laugh uncontrollably. He tried to stop for a
 moment or two, but only managed to snort ale back up through his nose.
 Nuke only nodded his head in agreement, and then choked on his own spit
 as he snorted in fits of laughter.
 "Yeah," he said. They both laughed harder at this, but Kicka-ass
 wouldn't give up just yet.
 "There must have been," snot ran down his nose, "some chemical or
 pheromone or something in the Barneyboy.... haa, haw, heehee... meat,
 that's doing this to us."
 "Pheromone, or a hormone," Nuke managed to add while holding his
 stomach. The muscle had just been pulled in his tummy, and it hurt.
 "Whoremoan," splurted out Kicka-ass, "you made a joke!"
 After that comment, further discussion became impossible. The
 heathenish laughter bounced off the hill back out over the plains where
 it could be heard for miles. Grazing animals looked up at the sounds
 coming from the cliff, and many carnivores and small animals shied away
 from the insane laughter. Birds changed their flight plans and even the
 crickets were silenced.
 The fire started to go out, but Kicka-ass struggled over to the fire
 and put on a couple of dried branches. "I have to keep this fire lit,"
 Kicka-ass bellowed. Nuke started to titter again.
 After a few hours, the insane laughter did die down as night
 progressed. Finally, thankfully, in the wee hours of the morning, all
 that could be heard was the sound of an occasional faint giggle as the
 two finally passed out into blessed sleep.

 Death never hurt so badly. When the two did manage to drag their asses
 up from the ground where they had passed out, they realized what a toll
 the hilarity had taken. Their bodies ached from head to toe. Muscles
 were pulled that they didn't even know that they possessed.
 "The sun is rising," Nuke mourned.
 "You look like shit," Kicka-ass pronounced as he observed Nuke's hair.
 "You smell like shit," Nuke countered. The wind had shifted somewhat
 and indeed, Kicka-ass had shit his britches sometime during the night.
 Nuke almost started to chuckle when he remembered when Kicka-ass had
 shit himself, while they were having the burping contest, but it didn't
 seem funny at all right now.
 "My head hurts, my stomach hurts, and I think I'm gonna be...I think I
 gotta... I... Puuuke..." said Kicka-ass.
 Nuke turned his head, cause he really didn't want to see this at all.
 Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Kicka-ass puking his guts
 out. Great orange gobbets of half-digested meat came up. Kicka-ass
 moaned and emptied his stomach. In a few minutes he got the dry heaves.
 Nuke started to giggle at this, but a pulled stomach muscle from all of
 the laughter the night before jerked him back to reality.
 Nuke looked out over the plains at the beauty of the World of Tears.
 The grassy plains stretched for miles and miles, a beautiful world of
 blue-green vegetation and forest. Nuke could make out grazing herds of
 animals, and what looked like a castle in the distance. After a while
 Kicka-ass joined Nuke on the ledge of the cliff.
 "Okay, Nuke. Get the Horn of Shoombaayaamylord out and lets get
 started. There's a gate somewhere near the cliff that will lead us right
 to the control room at the top of this world. From there we will be able
 to stop Red-Dork and I can take control of the World of Tears again."
 "Ah don't care about all that," said Nuke quickly. "Ah just want to get
 Chokie-Wand back in one piece, and then get back to the Falcon."
 "Yeah, right. That too," replied Kicka-ass.
 "By the way, Kicka-ass," asked Nuke, "Why is it that every time we talk
 about the Horn of... well you know. It. Why does it always have a
 different name. Every time?"
 "Red-Dork did it. He did it to keep up a cloud of confusion surrounding
 the ancient device, thus enabling him to keep it away from me more
 easily. He bathed it in the rays from a Nametron gun. The quantum
 irregularities that arise from naming objects become more unpredictable
 around the device and the side effects....What were we talking about?"
 "Ah don't know for sure. But anyway, Ah'll get the Horn."
 Nuke fetched the Horn of Shimbuktoo from the tessaract, and handed it
 over to Kicka-ass. Kicka-ass handed it back to him quickly.
 "Sorry. You blow it kid. I don't think I can manage right now. Okay?"
 "Allrighty then." Nuke put the horn to his lips and blew.
 The sound that came out sounded much like that of a gassy fart from an
 egg eating elephant, or possibly like the mating call of a pregnant
 CooCoo bird from the Planet Alsorix.
 With a sparkle, a gate opened up right in front of them in the side of
 the cliff face. Without hesitation, the two walked through it and to
 their fate on the other side.