BiZaRro WoLd NewToN uNiveRsE
Uhh, no, me
not read dumb Tarzan books. My not read equally stupid Farmer
book either, not understand everything like Farmer did...
The Wold Newton Universe
on Earth-Bizarro would be like...a volcanic explosion in Wold
Newton, England sent a massive hunk of rock into space. Nobody
was around to see it, however, so there was no radiation to cause
a massive family tree, and so Tarzan and Doc Savage ended up not
being related at all...
Bizarro Doc Savage is
just this guy, you know, who hangs out with his stoner friends in
this rundown apartment in New York City, avoiding crime.
Bizarro Tarzan being an
ape raised by men, and Bizarro Holmes being something not too
dissimilar to Tom Green, really....
Bizarro Bruce Wayne as an
overweight loser who was driven to a life of crime by his
overprotective, domineering parents. Although he is surprisingly
Batman is a nameless man who was being pursued by the crooks
through a chemical factory. He fell into gloop and emerged with
his face the emboldened, he put on a exact same color it
was before. Thus mask and joined the Bizarro JLA.
Spock am one apeshit crazy dude, you know? Him be partying ALL
the time! Him always be falling in love with women and getting
MAD PHAT BOOTY.
Kirk just sort of stands there and watches him, and occasionally
pontificates. He also has the most beautiful singing voice....
The pastel-colored native girls slap him around a lot, despite
his muscular figure.
Bing is Bizarro Buckaroo Banzai.
This would make Ross
Bizarro Perfect Tommy and Joey Bizarro New Jersey.
Bizarro Spider is the
nicest guy you ever could meet!
Bizarro Scarlet Pimpernel
assists British aristocrats to France so they can be beheaded.
Fortunately for him, he never disguises himself, so none of the
other Bizarros ever figure out who he actually is.
I think the Bizarro James
Bond is pretty much Maxwell Smart.
Bizarro Dracula runs
around in the day giving people blood transfusions and can't go
out at night.
Bizarro Nero Wolfe is
slender and never home.
Rassendyll looks nothing like his cousin yet no one noticed when
Prince Rudolph took over Rassendyll's place at Rassendyll's club
for no reason.
And Bizarro-Hulk am
weakest one of all!!!!!
Bizarro-Hulk am also only
Bizarro with perfect speaking voice.
Bizarro Cordwainer Bird -
diminutive pacifist author who writes for several television
shows while declaiming the awfulness of the medium; also claims
to be a feminist while groping any female Bizarro he catches
alone in an elevator.
And let's not forget the
witty, refined, erudite Bizarro Bulldog Drummond.
Him come out at high
noon, wants criminals to see him coming, so wears bright,
multi-colored patchwork cloak that does not blend in with
background. Designed to catch people's attention.
Him favorite saying be:
"The blossom of crime bears, uh... blossoms. Would you like
one?" Instead of twin .45s, Bizarro-Shadow carries twin
bouquets of blossoms in holsters for purposes of making friends
with criminal element.
Him not hang out with
best gal Bizarro Margo Lane during off hours (she much too
pretty) and him do not maintain multiple identities -- too
complicated and difficult to keep track of.
Him not spy and aviator
during Great War, and under no circumstances do him set foot in
an auto-gyro. Those things am dangerous!
Him not have chilling
"Heh, heh, heh" laugh that emanates from everywhere to
strike terror in hearts of evildoers. That would be rude. Instead
him approach everyone with a wide grin, showing off Donny
Osmand-like teeth. Him has a cheerful "Hello" or
"Good morning!" for everyone him meet. Like the
greeters at Wal-Mart.
Him not wear a hat,
especially not inside. Again, rude. And impolite.
Him nose am formerly
quite large. Had plastic surgery to correct this deformity.
Bizarro Shadow not interested in frightening anyone with his
Bizarro Margo Lane is the
only person who doesn't know that Bizarro Lamont Cranston
is the Bizarro Shadow.
What if... an English
Duke had mistaken a ship going to New York for a ship going to
Bizarro Tarzan = Bertie
What if... an American
Doctor had decided that his son should have a safe future in
sales instead of the more risky field of gobbledigook-science...
Bizarro Doc Savage =
What if... a mysterious
idle American millionaire was bored to death with society and had
no interest in crime whatsoever...
Bizarro Shadow (Lamont
Cranston) = Gatsby.
Bizarro Zorro: Him
secretly overbearing bully names Diego considered very attractive
to female Bizarros, but become shy and kind of boring when
wearing cape and mask. Him have mission in life to take gold from
peons and give to Commandante. (Evil Commandante always make
sure to give gold back to peons, this frustrating work but him
aided by slender and highly intelligent Sgt. Garcia, so it not so
bad.) Bizarro-Zorro would slash "Z" in things but him
have trouble spelling.
Bizarro Avenger: Him try
to ditch wife and daughter on crowded airplane, but this not
work. Him so upset that him gain ability to mold face so it not
look like anyone else's.
Bizarro Shang Chi: Him
very angry violent young man, want to hurt and trick people all
the time, but much too clumsy and unskilled to get away with it.
Father of him am Bizarro Fu Manchu who am not around any longer
after inventing elixir of short-life.
Bizarro Jules de Grandin:
Him big dumb guy very much afraid of vampires, ghosts, and
anything scary. Him speak with real French accent and use
expressions any ordinary Frenchman might use.
Bizarro Relic Hunter:
This am brilliantly written Bizarro series, but heroine am so
plain and dumpy!
Bizarro Dr. Syn: Him am
television evangelist who turned pirate, but no one really able
to tell much difference. Him am also the one Bizarro-Dorothy miss
other favorite saying: Who know what evil lurk in hearts of
Bizarros? Not me! Maybe that guy over there!
Bizarro Captain Ahab, is
obsessed with helping Tom Sawyer paint the Great White Fence!
The classic Bizarro
Captain Ahab line is, "Arrrh, don't talk to me about white
whales! Me am sick of hearing about them!"
short, fat and canine, round-shouldered, with brow like caveman
and face like cherub, bright red hair, and close-set, beady eyes
of muddy brown. Invest him with all good-natured naiveté of
entire Western race, accumulated in one so-so intellect, with
spotty understanding of science, and with quite limited
resources, if you will. Imagine that awful being, and you have
mental picture of Bizarro Dr. Fu-Manchu, the Pasty-white Peril
incarnate in one man."
"Completely Straightforward Dr. Fu Manchu" by Bizarro
PS: He's also severely
Say! I've got a good one!
No one has thought of this one yet! Bizarro-Superman!
located in Newark, NJ, a short drive from the La Brea Tar Pits,
which am located in California. It am a theme-park wholly owned
by Robert Kevin Smith, who am the infamous, man who never shuts
Bizarro Conan am also
never wearing sandals, and sprained ankle only time he ever trod
on the throne.
Bizarro Pizarro am real
world figure, Inca dude who make friends with Spanish after Inca
colonization of Europe in 16th century. Real nice guy, gave away
all his money to the poor. Cared nothing for honour or glory,
just wanted to know that he'd done the right thing.
Bizarro Jules de Grandin:
tall, very fat cockney, with greasy, braided black hair, who
writes exposes of fraudulent occult matters while never even
looking at the evidence...
How about Bizarro Jon
Kartor, a martian who teleported to Earth and has adapted by
Indians, but later fixed an old machine that robbed Earth of its
Bizarro Ash: Short, pudgy
guy with no chin, who tries to beat up demons when they appear,
but after they take away his chainsaw and give him a hand, he
Bizarro Brisco County,
Jr: Inbred redneck cattle rustler, bandit, and train robber, his
father was an even better criminal, and he fought against a
heroic caveman who traveled to the Old West. Never learned to
read, and his horse was dumb as a sack of rocks.
Doug A. Scott:
Pretty boring, normal guy, who always looks the same, although he
wears a different outfit everyday. Never goes anywhere. Lives in
a huge blue box, about the size of a city block; inside, though,
there's barely enough room to stand up. Companions tend to be
fat, unattractive, middle-aged men.
Flashman: Him bravest soldier in Queen Bizarro-Victoria's army!
But him never travel outside London, much less participate in big
historical events, or meet famous people. Him never cheat on his
Bizarro James Bond am
boringly monogamous file clerk for world famous British
Unintelligence, which am really cover for top secret universal
exports company. Him get along great with boss, W, and never go
on field assignments. Girl friend have plain, unsuggestive name
like Mary Jones. Opponents always nondescript, unambitious types
with no imagination.