BiZaRro WoLd NewToN uNiveRsE


BiZaRro wiN's Credo:

Uhh, no, me not read dumb Tarzan books. My not read equally stupid Farmer book either, not understand everything like Farmer did...


Jess Nevins:

The Wold Newton Universe on Earth-Bizarro would be like...a volcanic explosion in Wold Newton, England sent a massive hunk of rock into space. Nobody was around to see it, however, so there was no radiation to cause a massive family tree, and so Tarzan and Doc Savage ended up not being related at all...

Bizarro Doc Savage is just this guy, you know, who hangs out with his stoner friends in this rundown apartment in New York City, avoiding crime.



Bizarro Tarzan being an ape raised by men, and Bizarro Holmes being something not too dissimilar to Tom Green, really....


Sean V.

Bizarro Bruce Wayne as an overweight loser who was driven to a life of crime by his overprotective, domineering parents. Although he is surprisingly well-adjusted.


Jess Nevins:

Bizarro Batman is a nameless man who was being pursued by the crooks through a chemical factory. He fell into gloop and emerged with his face the emboldened, he put on a exact same color it was before. Thus mask and joined the Bizarro JLA.



Bizarro Spock am one apeshit crazy dude, you know? Him be partying ALL the time! Him always be falling in love with women and getting MAD PHAT BOOTY.

Bizarro Kirk just sort of stands there and watches him, and occasionally pontificates. He also has the most beautiful singing voice.... The pastel-colored native girls slap him around a lot, despite his muscular figure.

Chandler Bing is Bizarro Buckaroo Banzai.


Loki Carbis:

This would make Ross Bizarro Perfect Tommy and Joey Bizarro New Jersey.


Michael Norwitz:

Bizarro Spider is the nicest guy you ever could meet!

Bizarro Scarlet Pimpernel assists British aristocrats to France so they can be beheaded. Fortunately for him, he never disguises himself, so none of the other Bizarros ever figure out who he actually is.

I think the Bizarro James Bond is pretty much Maxwell Smart.


Brad Mengel:

Bizarro Dracula runs around in the day giving people blood transfusions and can't go out at night.

Bizarro Nero Wolfe is slender and never home.

Bizarro Rudolph Rassendyll looks nothing like his cousin yet no one noticed when Prince Rudolph took over Rassendyll's place at Rassendyll's club for no reason.


Loki Carbis:

And Bizarro-Hulk am weakest one of all!!!!!


Kai Jannson:

Bizarro-Hulk am also only Bizarro with perfect speaking voice.


Michael Norwitz:

Bizarro Cordwainer Bird - diminutive pacifist author who writes for several television shows while declaiming the awfulness of the medium; also claims to be a feminist while groping any female Bizarro he catches alone in an elevator.

And let's not forget the witty, refined, erudite Bizarro Bulldog Drummond.


Win Eckert:

Bizarro Shadow:

Him come out at high noon, wants criminals to see him coming, so wears bright, multi-colored patchwork cloak that does not blend in with background. Designed to catch people's attention.

Him favorite saying be: "The blossom of crime bears, uh... blossoms. Would you like one?" Instead of twin .45s, Bizarro-Shadow carries twin bouquets of blossoms in holsters for purposes of making friends with criminal element.

Him not hang out with best gal Bizarro Margo Lane during off hours (she much too pretty) and him do not maintain multiple identities -- too complicated and difficult to keep track of.

Him not spy and aviator during Great War, and under no circumstances do him set foot in an auto-gyro. Those things am dangerous!

Him not have chilling "Heh, heh, heh" laugh that emanates from everywhere to strike terror in hearts of evildoers. That would be rude. Instead him approach everyone with a wide grin, showing off Donny Osmand-like teeth. Him has a cheerful "Hello" or "Good morning!" for everyone him meet. Like the greeters at Wal-Mart.

Him not wear a hat, especially not inside. Again, rude. And impolite.

Him nose am formerly quite large. Had plastic surgery to correct this deformity. Bizarro Shadow not interested in frightening anyone with his appearance.


Michael Norwitz:

Bizarro Margo Lane is the only person who doesn't know that Bizarro Lamont Cranston is the Bizarro Shadow.


Jean-Marc Lofficier:

What if... an English Duke had mistaken a ship going to New York for a ship going to Africa...

Bizarro Tarzan = Bertie Wooster.


What if... an American Doctor had decided that his son should have a safe future in sales instead of the more risky field of gobbledigook-science...

Bizarro Doc Savage = Willy Loman.


What if... a mysterious idle American millionaire was bored to death with society and had no interest in crime whatsoever...

Bizarro Shadow (Lamont Cranston) = Gatsby.


Matthew Baugh:

Bizarro Zorro: Him secretly overbearing bully names Diego considered very attractive to female Bizarros, but become shy and kind of boring when wearing cape and mask. Him have mission in life to take gold from peons and give to Commandante. (Evil Commandante always make sure to give gold back to peons, this frustrating work but him aided by slender and highly intelligent Sgt. Garcia, so it not so bad.) Bizarro-Zorro would slash "Z" in things but him have trouble spelling.

Bizarro Avenger: Him try to ditch wife and daughter on crowded airplane, but this not work. Him so upset that him gain ability to mold face so it not look like anyone else's.

Bizarro Shang Chi: Him very angry violent young man, want to hurt and trick people all the time, but much too clumsy and unskilled to get away with it. Father of him am Bizarro Fu Manchu who am not around any longer after inventing elixir of short-life.

Bizarro Jules de Grandin: Him big dumb guy very much afraid of vampires, ghosts, and anything scary. Him speak with real French accent and use expressions any ordinary Frenchman might use.

Bizarro Relic Hunter: This am brilliantly written Bizarro series, but heroine am so plain and dumpy!

Bizarro Dr. Syn: Him am television evangelist who turned pirate, but no one really able to tell much difference. Him am also the one Bizarro-Dorothy miss the most.

Bizarro Shadow’s other favorite saying: Who know what evil lurk in hearts of Bizarros? Not me! Maybe that guy over there!


Chuck Loridans:

Bizarro Captain Ahab, is obsessed with helping Tom Sawyer paint the Great White Fence!


Michael Norwitz:

The classic Bizarro Captain Ahab line is, "Arrrh, don't talk to me about white whales! Me am sick of hearing about them!"


Sean V.:

"Imagine person, short, fat and canine, round-shouldered, with brow like caveman and face like cherub, bright red hair, and close-set, beady eyes of muddy brown. Invest him with all good-natured naiveté of entire Western race, accumulated in one so-so intellect, with spotty understanding of science, and with quite limited resources, if you will. Imagine that awful being, and you have mental picture of Bizarro Dr. Fu-Manchu, the Pasty-white Peril incarnate in one man."

excerpt from "Completely Straightforward Dr. Fu Manchu" by Bizarro Sax Rohmer

PS: He's also severely arachnophobic.


Chuck, the crestfallen:

Say! I've got a good one! No one has thought of this one yet! Bizarro-Superman! He..oh.....uh....nevermind (sigh)


Loki Carbis:

Bizarro-Barsoom am located in Newark, NJ, a short drive from the La Brea Tar Pits, which am located in California. It am a theme-park wholly owned by Robert Kevin Smith, who am the infamous, man who never shuts up.

Bizarro Conan am also never wearing sandals, and sprained ankle only time he ever trod on the throne.

Bizarro Pizarro am real world figure, Inca dude who make friends with Spanish after Inca colonization of Europe in 16th century. Real nice guy, gave away all his money to the poor. Cared nothing for honour or glory, just wanted to know that he'd done the right thing.


Cheryl Huttner:

Bizarro Jules de Grandin: tall, very fat cockney, with greasy, braided black hair, who writes exposes of fraudulent occult matters while never even looking at the evidence...


Art Bollmann:

How about Bizarro Jon Kartor, a martian who teleported to Earth and has adapted by Indians, but later fixed an old machine that robbed Earth of its atmosphere.



Bizarro Ash: Short, pudgy guy with no chin, who tries to beat up demons when they appear, but after they take away his chainsaw and give him a hand, he runs away.

Bizarro Brisco County, Jr: Inbred redneck cattle rustler, bandit, and train robber, his father was an even better criminal, and he fought against a heroic caveman who traveled to the Old West. Never learned to read, and his horse was dumb as a sack of rocks.


Doug A. Scott:

Bizarro-Doctor Who: Pretty boring, normal guy, who always looks the same, although he wears a different outfit everyday. Never goes anywhere. Lives in a huge blue box, about the size of a city block; inside, though, there's barely enough room to stand up. Companions tend to be fat, unattractive, middle-aged men.


Dan MacQueen:

Sir Bizarro-Harry Flashman: Him bravest soldier in Queen Bizarro-Victoria's army! But him never travel outside London, much less participate in big historical events, or meet famous people. Him never cheat on his wife, either.


Kevin Breen:

Bizarro James Bond am boringly monogamous file clerk for world famous British Unintelligence, which am really cover for top secret universal exports company. Him get along great with boss, W, and never go on field assignments. Girl friend have plain, unsuggestive name like Mary Jones. Opponents always nondescript, unambitious types with no imagination.


yoU am LeaViNg BiZaRro WoLd NewToN uNiveRsE